How to Pill a Goose

Pic: Unamused goose is unamused.
Vet day for Babs the goose, and after all the x-rays and shots were given, I was handed a bottle of pills to give her twice a day for a week. "Have you already given her today's pill?" I ask. "No" the vet tech replies, so I ask if it'd be okay to give her a pill right there in the office, since we already had her in a confined space (catching Babs earlier was no easy feat). "Sure, no problem!"

We take her to a back room. All the vet techs gather to watch. Now understand, I've given pills to geese before, but the staff had never seen such a thing. Easy-peasy, I'm thinking, and puff up a little with pride while getting Babs into position. Put goose on table. Lean arm & shoulder over her body, putting elbow on table to keep her steady under my armpit. With both hands tilt her head back, wedge open her beak, drop the pill in....


...and the pill flies across the room.

Huh! Pick the pill (and my pride) up off the floor, and try again. And again. And again. Even with using my finger to push the pill down her throat, she'd snake her tongue around and manage to move the pill aside, then shake her head and fling the pill across the room. Wasn't until the fourth try that the pill finally stayed down. And to think, I get to do this twice a day for a week... yay, me!

One of the staff grinned and put a printout in my hand afterwards. The word "cat" was crossed out, with the word "goose" written in its stead. I present to you: How to Pill a Cat Goose.

[Note: this is a joke. Don't do any of these, okay?]

1. Pick up the goose and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of goose's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As goose opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow goose to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and goose from under chair. Cradle goose in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve goose from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take a new pill from foil wrap. Cradle goose in left arm holding wings tightly. Force beak open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and goose from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with goose wedged firmly between the knees. Ignore hissing emitted by goose. Get spouse to hold goose's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub goose's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve goose from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set aside for gluing later.

8. Wrap goose in large towel and get spouse to lie on goose with it's head just visible from beneath spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force goose's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

9. Check label to make sure that pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve goose from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place goose in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with spoon, flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Fetch whisky. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to disinfect. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call the fire department to retrieve goose from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid goose. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie goose to leg of dining room table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from garage. Force goose's mouth open with small trowel. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of lettuce. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of whisky. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches finger and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture store on the way home to order a new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect the mutant goose from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.

BONUS: How to Pill a Dog

1. Wrap pill in bacon. Give to dog.

[original author unknown; if you know, will give credit]


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